02: TGIF

Episode 2: TGIF

INTRO

JACK

Hi! I’m Jack. Listen closely, it’s all real and very, very important.

JOSE

You still think this is some grand adventure, don’t you?

JACK

It’s my story. Our story.

Thanks for listening to...Jack of All Trades.

JOSE

Is that seriously what we’re calling it--?

[Cut to intro music.]

SCENE ONE

JACK

[Her Keystone booting up to the opening of elevator doors. JACK yawns. There’s chatter from JOSE and EDWITH]

EDWITH

--a reason I was brought to this site--

JOSE

Yeah, cuz you’re robot in a: 5000

JACK

...Should I come back later?

EDWITH

No, please stay. You are a welcome interruption. And late, which I hope won’t be a regular occurrence. I’ll go get your assignments for the day. Mr. Perez, why don’t you feign some semblance of professionalism? Introduce yourself.

[Heels clicking as she leaves the room. Barstool pushing back and JOSE stands/turns to greet JACK]

JOSE

Yeah, fine. Hey, I’m--

JACK

Oh fuck! Stay back!

[Calling for help]

Ed! Edwith! Mz. Knight! He’s-- Oh no. Uh. He--He’s--

JOSE

I’m what?

JACK

You’re dead! You threw chairs at me, made the lights go all--

[She makes static-y sounds, and vague “oooooo”ing like a ghost.]

JOSE

Uhhhhhhh...

JACK

I threw salt at you and you screamed like a banshee?

JOSE

Salt gal! Right. I’m Jose Perez. Oh and FYI, if I had screamed like a banshee, you’d have known.

JACK

What happened to ‘you don’t belong here’?

JOSE

It was just a phase.

[confused silence]

Phase? Get it? Like ghosts phasing through--

EDWITH

[Heels clicking]

Today’s task, singular, is both simple and local. You should be able to address the concern by the end of the day. One of the primary complaints from higher--

JOSE

Blah fuckin blah. C’mon. List of complaints. Cough it up.

EDWITH

I understand that it’s early in the morning, but please do try to exercise some patience, Mr. Perez. If you’re able.

JACK

Is...everything okay?

JOSE

[He snorts.]

Define “okay.”

EDWITH

[Simultaneous to JOSE’s response]

I don’t want you to worry, Jack. Mr. Perez is still in his adjustment period. Some people find change to be quite upsetting--

[JOSE scoffing loudly]

--and he worked with the previous respondent and a different manager altogether until I was transferred here a month or so ago.

JOSE

Wow. First name basis already? Way to drink the Koolaid, newbie.

EDWITH

Only by Jack’s request. Of course, if you prefer Ms. Withers--

JACK

Wh--Oh! No, I uh. Jack is fine. I’m just... Very casual. Hah.

JOSE

If you’re Jack, she’s Edwith, and I’m Jose...Then who’s flying the plane?!

JACK

[She muffles a laugh.]

EDWITH

There is no plane, Mr. Perez, and time is of the essence. Direct your focus to your job, rather than tacky jokes.

Here’s the unit complaint record from all prior tenants, Jack. The apartment hasn’t been rented out in some time and it’s time to put it back on the market. It seems there are some old issues to resolve, which merit the attention of our new Senior Respondent.

JOSE

[As he speaks, JACK keeps trying to get a word in edgewise.]

Wait! She’s the new senior respondent? But I’ve been with Fidus Achates for like... 2 years! 3 years? Shit.

EDWITH

Yes, yes, and 3 years and counting. Were you interested in the position?

JOSE

Fuck no.

EDWITH

Language.

[Paper rustling]

Well? Do you have any questions?

JOSE

Do you wear the same pencil skirt every day, or do you have a closet full of identical ones?

EDWITH

I have as many as I need, and I would encourage you to perhaps make an attempt at looking professional once in a while. Or if that is too difficult to manage, at least act professional.

JACK

[Quietly]

Oh my god.

EDWITH

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to tend to. Jack, as the senior respondent, it is your job to make the reports on each response as they are completed. Please come by to check in before the end of the day so that we can cover everything necessary for that responsibility.

JOSE

Want me to swing by too?

EDWITH

No.

[The elevator dings and the doors open. Her heels click as she goes back to her office. She shuts the door firmly behind her and locks it.]

JOSE

Hmph. She timed that, didn’t she? I bet she timed that. Un-fucking-canny.

[The elevator doors close behind them]

JACK

Do you normally talk to her like that?

JOSE

Who?

JACK

Ed. Edwith?

JOSE

I don’t know an ‘Edward.’

JACK

Edwith Knight! Our... boss? We were just--

Is her name not Edwith?

JOSE

Oh, I’m no good with names. Already forgot yours, Chad.

JACK

It’s Jack.

JOSE

Joyce. Got it.

JACK

Wait, hold on, you still never told me-- Aren’t you--? Weren’t you the ghost? ‘You don’t belong here.’

JOSE

What? No.

JACK

But you look just like him--

JOSE

Yeah, that’s because that was me.

[Elevator doors open and Jose uses his Keystone to open a door.]

C’mon, keep up.

JACK

The-- Wait. Wait, hold on a goddamn second--

JOSE

[Loud sighing.]

I was possessed, Jack. You threw salt. And now I’m about as possessed as I prefer to be.

JACK

And you’re--You’re just fine with that?

JOSE

And what exactly should I do? Cry myself to sleep?

[There’s paper shuffling.]

Looks like your standard electrical crap.

JACK

I mean, yes? Maybe? I don’t know! Aren’t you freaked out a little?

JOSE

About what?

JACK

[Hissing]

Ghosts being real! Holy shit.

JOSE

Right. I forget that newbies always have to go through this song and dance. Ghosts are real, the supernatural exists in real life, possession can happen to anyone, yadda yadda yadda. Can you go through the stages of grief while picking up your tools from the supply room? I’d like to get this done early, if possible.

JACK

“Newbies?” “Always?” How often do you get possessed?!

JOSE

All the time. It’s practically my job. Professional Possession Specialist.

[Stunned silence from JACK]

...What? It’s not so bad when you get used to it. Or at least I think so. It messes with your memory a bit. Hazy. Can’t figure out which memories are mine, which ones were theirs, and the headaches are awful!

JACK

Jose. I need you to focus. How. often. does. this. happen.

JOSE

I don’t know! Seattle is a big city, and it’s been a big city for a long time. How many people do you figure have lived and died on Fidus Achates properties?

JACK

All of them become ghosts? All of them?

JOSE

Oh my god, no, only the ones that get attached to something. You ask so many questions. Has anyone ever told you that? Questions that definitely feel Google-able.

Look: my headache and I are going to march my perky little ass down to Unit 37C and get started running diagnostics--

JACK

What--?!

JOSE

--and leave you here to process, or whatever. It’s the building down the street, third floor, to the left side. You’ll get the hang of navigating these apartments soon enough.

JACK

Does Ed know about all this?!

JOSE

Who?

JACK

[Frustrated screaming]

JOSE

[laughs]

Mondays, am I right?

[Sounds of JOSE’s Keystone beeping against a keypad]

JACK

It’s FRIDAY!

JOSE

Oh, nice! TGIF.

[Door opening.]

Don’t forget to stop by the supply room, get whatever tools, and maybe pack some salt. That was handy. Hurt like a bitch, but it was handy. Quicker than talk therapy. Oh, and maybe bring some hot chocolate.

JACK

Do...Do ghosts hate hot chocolate?

JOSE

Alright see you there! Try not to cry on anything expensive looking!

JACK

[Cussing and frustrated noises. Eventually 5 seconds of silence. Keystone beeps as it turns off.]

SCENE TWO

[NOTE: Whenever MICHAEL talks, there are two layers of JOSE’s voice. A teeny tiny echo. This gets worse the more intensely MICHAEL is feeling.]

JACK

[Keystone boots up. JACK is knocking on MICHAEL’s door]

Jose, are you in there? I brought the tools. And hot chocolate. No salt, though, the convenience store was out. But you were probably kidding about that, right?

[A long pause. Knocks again]

Jose, come on.

[Pause continues. Mumbles to herself,]

Are you kidding? Drop an earth shattering bomb on me and then ditch me. Un-fuckin--believable.

[She clears her throat.]

Uh. Whoops. How long has this been on? Hey. Hi. Sorry Ed, God I hope you don’t listen to these. I’m at Unit 37C. I’ve knocked twice. And it’s been... like twenty hours that I’ve been standing here. Not really. Probably only five minutes. Maybe 45 seconds. Hah. Just jokes, Ed. Cuz you...uh. Love jokes.

[Coughing and shuffling.]

Okay, one more time, then I’m out of here--

[The door opens.]

MICHAEL

Oh, hey! You must be maintenance. Thanks for coming. You’re just in time, dude.

JACK

Jose! Finally! Here, I printed out all of the--

MICHAEL

I’m... Michael? Gunderson? I put in a request this morning--?

JACK

Uh-huh. So what do I do with the hot chocolate?

Michael

...Drink it? I...Are you alright? Are...you new?

JACK

[Pause]

Your voice, you’re...Okay. Okay, not a big deal, you can handle this. Oh god, I don’t have any salt--

MICHAEL

I got salt in the kitchen if you need it.

JACK

[Beat]

You...aren’t mad that I’m here?

MICHAEL

What? No, of course not. I called for the repairs, man! I think it’s a problem with the electrical stuff. See, watch this.

[MICHAEL’s footsteps as he walks into the kitchen. JACK following him. Sounds of lights humming and flickering.]

See? If I even try to get close, the lights start flickering like a discount Skrillex concert.

[He walks back out of the kitchen.]

It only happens in the kitchen.

JACK

Yeah. Wow. Just like before.

MICHAEL

So I figured it was time to call in the professionals. Don’t wanna get shocked trying to fix wiring issues myself! Haha.

JACK

Hah. Yeah. That would be... really bad.

[Uncomfortable laughter. Quieter,]

Please let that be an unrelated example.

MICHAEL

So... Would it be alright if I...? I’m gonna take the garbage out. So... I’ll be gone for just a sec--

JACK

Oh! Yeah! Totally. I mean, if you can. Yeah, that would be fine! You can...You can head on out. Probably.

[beat]

Real quick, though. Where’s your, uh...fuse box?

MICHAEL

Laundry room, that door there. I’ll be right back, I promise.

[Sounds of Michael putting on a coat and leaving.]

JACK

[Sounds of Jack doing something until she realizes she’s supposed to be narrating.]

Oh, sorry, audio record. So I’m, uh. Checking the kitchen for anything obvious, scorch marks or...whatever. And Jose’s possessed again. He can apparently leave the house. That’s...something. What’d he say before? Ghosts get attached to things?

[Sounds of JACK walking around. Ominous music starts slow and quiet.]

This one seems kinda friendly at least. No Casper, but you can’t win them all I guess.

[Sounds of lightswitches]

Lights seem fine now that Michael isn’t here.

No flickering or anything. Maybe I really can just throw salt at the problem and call it a day. Less plate-breaking this way. Hey Ed, is that going to be in my performance review?

[She snickers to herself as she continues going through various cupboards, opening doors, etc.]

Okay, Michael, where do you keep your salt... Oh, right. No one actually lives here. Maybe someone left sidewalk salt somewhere, dad always--

[Opens the laundry room door]

--oh FUCK!

[JACK’s visceral reaction: gagging, freaking out.]

No. No fucking way. A body. There’s a body in the laundry room.

[More gagging]

Okay. Um. Aside from the...electric...issues. Bigger problem. Much bigger. Corpse-in-the-laundry room bigger. Also the washer may have a leak, or he just used too much detergent.

[nervous giggle]

Oh god, I think he was electrocuted. Something went horribly wrong with his iron. See, this is why I don’t iron! People can handle my clothes a little wrinkly...

[More gagging.]

Hold on, he’s got a name tag--

[Sounds of JACK taking some steps, stretching over the body to read. More distressed noises.]

Michael Gunderson... Yeah, that fits. Poor bastard....Police. Right? Above my pay grade, corpses.

[The door rustling as MICHAEL opens the lock]

Oh shit. Oh fuck. He’s back. Salt, I still need salt--

MICHAEL

Yoooooo! Did you fix everything yet?

JACK

Uh...!

MICHAEL

You ok dude?

JACK

Is this a set up? Are you setting me up? Don’t-Don’t come closer!

MICHAEL

[Comes closer]

Whoa, whoa, chill out. What’s going on?

JACK

...Are you seriously trying to tell me you don’t know--

MICHAEL

Is there something wrong with the laundry room? Hold on, take it easy, I’ll go see what’s up!

JACK

Wait, wait, no, don’t step on the water! The wire might be live and Jose--!

[Ominous music comes to its peak, then stops abruptly as MICHAEL enters the laundry room.]

MICHAEL

Okay, look it’s a little bit messy and maybe I pull clean clothes directly from the dryer but you don’t have to be judgmental about it. Let me just turn this on--

[Lightswitch]

JACK

[Muttering to herself]

Okay. Body’s gone. Ghost body. Oxymoron? Vision? Apparition? Is there a manual for this shit?

MICHAEL

Are you sure you’re okay?

JACK

Hm? I... I don’t know. You really are Michael Gunderson?

MICHAEL

I really am me, and while there have been some close calls while I was TAing, there’s no body count yet.

JACK

[Weak laugh]

Yet. Right.

MICHAEL

My bad, weird sense of humour, haha. Look, I need to finish my paper, then I have some ironing to do. Sorry to get in your way, but I gotta get it done before my interview tomorrow.

JACK

I--Uh. Yeah. Are you? In favor? Of using the iron...? It might be uh. Dangerous. Deadly. Apparently. Maybe it would be best if you never interacted with the laundry room. Like ever again. Have you considered moving? Or buying a new shirt?

MICHAEL

Geez, it’s messy but I’m just busy a lot, okay? You’re harsh, dude. You’ve gotta relax! TGIF, right?

JACK

I’m not harsh, you’re--!...Sorry. Yup. TGIF.

MICHAEL

Hell yeah, am I right? Anyway. I’ll be out soon! Let me know if you need anything. Help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge.

[Door opening and closing]

JACK

Yeah. Sure. I have until you need to iron clothes. Until you use the iron. Cool. Got it.

[Weak laughter as the static and vague electric buzzing resume.]

Oh good, the body’s back. Okay. Okay, Michael. Let’s see what you’re attached to and double your recommended daily sodium intake.

Ugh. Get a job, I said. Doesn’t matter what kind of job, just any job! Just as long as it supports you while you write your stupid book--

[Deep sigh]

Okay, let’s try that fusebox. Worth a shot, right? Right. Turn it on and off again, fixes everything.

[Sounds of footsteps as JACK moves to the fusebox. Switches it off. Loud thud distant in the other room.]

...That’s probably not good.

[JACK running to go check the study.]

Michael? Michael are you...are you Jose again? ...Hey buddy! Hey! Hey, are you alive? You’ve got a pulse. Come on, wake up! Wake up and tell me what I’m supposed to do with the stupid hot chocolate!

[A long sigh.]

I guess I’m turning you off and on again.

[JACK trudging back into the kitchen and flipping the fuse box back on. She shrieks a little when MICHAEL starts talking. MICHAEL’s voice is right next to her]

MICHAEL

Oh, hey! You must be maintenance--Ah! Whoa! Sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you! I just didn’t hear you come in, and--!

JACK

[She slams the fuses off again, cutting off MICHAEL sharply. JOSE’s body slumps to the floor. There’s a long pause.]

Shit. That’s...definitely going to bruise. Sorry Jose.

[A pause. Then she turns on the fusebox again.]

MICHAEL

Oh, hey! You must be--

[She turns the fusebox off again.]

JACK

Okay now we’re even. And I still have a lot of questions for you. When you’re not...possessed. Right. Now I just have to…

[A pause. Then JACK’s keystone starts ringing.]

Oh. Shit. Shit.

[Keystone beeping as she answers]

H-Hey, Ed! ...What’s crack’a’lackin’?

EDWITH

Hello Jack! I thought I would check in on you! I hope you haven’t run into any problems already.

JACK

No! Uh. Not a mechanical problem, at least. A uh... different problem, leftover from when Michael Gunderson lived here?

...The kind of problem that seems to be pretty common in our properties?

EDWITH

I am not sure I’m following... Is this repair too complex for you? If your professional opinion is that we should seek another expert--

JACK

No! No need to bring anyone else to the apartment.

[She sighs]

Listen, this building seems to have some quirks. Maybe...do you have records from how the old respondent tackled cases like these?

EDWITH

I am hardly in any position to advise you on repair work, but maybe it would be helpful to know that the prior respondent made use of power surges regularly.

JACK

Power surges. That could work. I have my taser, and if he’s attached to the electrical-- Yep! Got it.

EDWITH

Good. Was there anything else?

JACK

No, I think...I think that’s everything. Now I just have to...do it.

EDWITH

For whatever it’s worth to you, after yesterday, I truly believe you won’t let me down.

JACK

[Beat]

Thanks, Ed.

EDWITH

You’re welcome, Jack.

[Keystone beeping as the call ends.]

JACK

[She takes a deep breath. Then turns on the fusebox again.]

MICHAEL

Oh, hey! You must be with maintenance!

JACK

Alright Michael. I’m Jack Withers. Hopefully this works.

MICHAEL

Nice to meet you-- wait, what?

JACK

Taser should do it, right? Right. Deep breath. Here goes.

[Power surge, humming and flickering. MICHAEL starts screaming.]

Fuck! Oh, fuck I’m so sorry! Shit, shit, shit--

[JACK slams the fusebox off.]

Holy shit. Jose? Holy shit, Jose are you still... ?

[Shuffling, checking his pulse]

Oh thank fuck. Oh my god. No--No power surges. I...I can’t risk Jose like that. I can’t do that to Michael. Aw, hell. What do I… Shit, what do I do? What did he-- Talk therapy, right?

[She turns on the fusebox again.]

MICHAEL

Oh, hey! You must be with maintenance!

JACK

Hey Michael. I’m Jack Withers. It’s nice to meet you.

MICHAEL

Nice to meet you too, dude! Sorry I wasn’t there to let you in. I guess I didn’t hear the knock and--

JACK

Hey, so... I think I figured out what’s going on with your electricity. Do you have a minute to talk?

MICHAEL

Sure. Is...Is everything okay?

JACK

Everything’s going to be alright. Let me just... Here.

[Sounds of JACK taking off the Keystone.]

A little privacy for you. Much better. To the study?

MICHAEL

Sure. Lead the way!

JACK

Hey, do you want some hot chocolate?

[Sounds of the door closing. Five seconds, then the Keystone disengages.]

SCENE THREE

[Elevator dings, opens. EDWITH’s voice sounds far away.]

EDWITH

Ah, Jack! Come in, I’m in the office.

[Edwith typing consistently as she speaks]

JACK

Hi, Ed. You’re a sight for sore eyes.

EDWITH

Well, aren’t you sweet! How did it go?

JACK

Yeah, it's dealt with. How... How much detail do you need?

EDWITH

There’s no set details that I need with regularity. I typically need to know what costs were incurred, the status of the unit, or any unexpected damages. How you fixed the problem will not come up unless you expect a tenant complaint severe enough that we would need to consult the keystone recordings.

[Beat]

Is there something you feel I should know?

JACK

It’s more that I’m not sure what you might already know.

EDWITH

What do you mean?

JACK

[Hesitates, long moment]

The building has its quirks.

EDWITH

Many do.

JACK

[Under her breath]

Yeah, I'm starting to get that.

[Louder]

Did the former respondent ever tell you any details about these quirks? Or maybe the manager you replaced kept notes?

EDWITH

Mm, both did leave extensive details on the problems they encountered, yes.

JACK

Really? That’s great! I bet you found all sorts of strange things...right?

EDWITH

Oh, certainly!

[She laughs.]

I remember multiple incidents of one tenant in particular. They--

[She’s laughing hard enough that it’s difficult to speak. JACK is trying to laugh along.]

They kept insisting on making their own compost pile. While a well intentioned idea, it is probably not well suited to an apartment balcony that overlooked a bakery.

JACK

...Oh. Oh no.

EDWITH

Can you imagine the call we got from the baker? We managed her property too, of course, and she believed there was a leak in the sewage system! Ugh!

[She’s still laughing.]

It took so long to figure out the source of the ...unpleasantness. You would have thought we were trying to do something wildly unreasonable when we asked them to stop, too. They insisted that it helped ‘balance the energies of their plants’ or something equally spiritual and nonsensical. Absolutely ridiculous!

JACK

Right. Hah. Ridiculous! What a quirk. That’s...That’s a quirk, alright!

EDWITH

Obviously we couldn’t risk them aggravating their neighbors further--they already had so many complaints about them regarding shelves to hold crystals ripping out shared drywall, incense... Apparently the prior manager had to nearly double the rent to finally convince them to seek lodging elsewhere.

JACK

Wow. That’s...wow.

EDWITH

I’m sorry, you probably weren’t looking for a story. You mentioned quirks, and wanted to know how much I knew of them, right? Let me pull up the records now and we can find what concerns you together.

JACK

[Too quickly]

No! No, everything is fine. Textbook!

[Nervous laugh]

All good, boss.

EDWITH

If you insist! If that’s all, then your report...?

JACK

Yup! Here.

[Handing over the paper.]

EDWITH

Good. Thank you for stopping by, Jack.

JACK

Yeah. Yep. See you in the morning.

[Elevator ding, doors open, doors close. Keystone shuts down.]