Episode 12

full
Published on:

2nd Jan 2022

12: Mercy

In the season one finale, mercy only comes to those who earn it.

JACK OF ALL TRADES is a Faustian Nonsense Original. Check it out and read the full scripts under "transcript" at faustiannonsense.com/jack-of-all-trades , and subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/faustiannonsense .


Cast:

Jaci Szilagyi as Jack Withers

Joe Cruz as Jose Perez

Trevor Schechter as Ilci Scarlassara

Amelia Kinch as Edwith Knight

Jenna Duncan as Millie

Sarah Pierpont as Kavitha

Benjudah Feinen as Morgan

Marquista Shipman as Alice

Josiah Thorngate as Rafael

Alex Rowland as Reva

Transcript

Episode 12: Mercy

INTRO

[Audio for the intro is skipping and repeating (bolded bits repeated). Keystone sounds broken.]

JACK

Hi! I’m Jack.

Listen! Listen closely, it’s all real and very, very important.

JOSE

You still think this is some grand adventure, don’t you?

[Cut to slower intro music.]

SCENE ONE

[Keystone activating. Elevator doors opening, JACK steps out. The doors close behind her. There’s the swish of a saber.]

JACK

Ed? ...Ed are you home? Look, we need to talk--

EDWITH

[Click of her office door opening. There’s the muffled voice of RAFAEL saying ‘Is that her now?’ EDWITH shuts the door behind her.]

I’m here. And I couldn’t agree more. This morning’s behavior was--

[Beat]

You have a sword.

JACK

I...Yeah. I...I don’t want to use it. Ed, please. Just talk to me.

EDWITH

Are you really so determined to leave Fidus Achates that you would kill me?

JACK

I don’t want to! I want you to come with me--or I won’t be the only one dying young! FA’s not gonna keep promoting you. This is what the fae do. They manipulate you into thinking you have the upper hand, then they yank the rug out from under you and stab you. They’re playing nice now, but--

EDWITH

But what?

JACK

Is the power that worth it? What are they promising you?

EDWITH

It will be, but they’ve promised me nothing. I will reach my goals with or without assistance. Yours included.

JACK

Then why--?

EDWITH

Enough, Jack. I had really hoped this could all be put behind us. I knew there was a chance you wouldn’t feel reasonable just yet, so. I suppose I took my own precautions, too.

[Her office door opens again and RAFAEL, REVA, and ALICE come out]

RAFAEL

Hi Ms. Withers! It’s so nice to see you again, all alone and armed with a fencing sword.

REVA

Aww. Do you know how to wield that thing?

ALICE

Would it matter if she did?

REVA

I suppose not, no.

JACK

No...No, Ed, you didn’t--

EDWITH

I did. I thought perhaps you needed some convincing. You spoke at great length about how far you were willing to go to save me. I believe something about ‘not even being ripped limb from limb’ would stop you?

JACK

Ed...

RAFAEL

Oh! Ripping! Here I thought you were finicky about your carpet being stained.

EDWITH

Your orders remain the same as I told you before. I want her alive. She’s still mine, and I have no intention of wasting assets.

REVA

Yes, ser.

[RAFAEL, REVA, and ALICE step closer]

ALICE

Aw, she’s shaking! Look how her sword quivers. Are you scared Jack?

JACK

[She lets out her frustration and fear in a scream, then lunges at ALICE. Swings her sword.]

ALICE

You’re so easy to predict!

JACK

Why. Aren’t. You. Bleeding?

[Punctuating every word with a slash. ALICE is cackling madly,.]

RAFAEL

I can’t believe you keep your ward so in the dark, Edwith!

REVA

This is embarrassing to watch. Ms. Withers, you can’t hurt fae that’s expecting you--

JACK

Yeah, I know.

[She smacks ALICE with the sword again, then pulls out her taser and tases ALICE. ALICE screams.]

Surprise.

RAFAEL

Why keep a pet that bites?

EDWITH

I have my reasons. Reva, take over.

ALICE

But I’m fine! I can keep--

REVA

[Sounds of REVA using magic. Charging up, crackling of fire, etc.]

Yes, ser.

JACK

Oh, shit!

[She tries to keep up with REVA, but REVA lands a couple blows. JACK is knocked down, her sword skids away.]

Why do you let Ed boss you around?

REVA

Because she’s the boss.

[Punches hard enough that the tiling cracks, drywall crumbling, magical spells crackling.]

Quit squirming.

ALICE

I’ve got her!

[She flings herself at JACK, and they fall into a grapple.]

You’re so fragile. Did you really think you could beat four fae?

JACK

[Struggling to breathe]

F-Four?

ALICE

Yeah. Can’t count? One, two, three, four.

JACK

...Ed...?

EDWITH

[She sighs]

Just surrender, Jack. Then we can talk. These repairs will already be expensive.

JACK

[Wheezing]

H-Hope you saved up, then. I-I brought--back up--

[Elevator door dings, and the doors open. There’s a velociraptor screech then the sounds of Alice screaming. A crash.]

Everyone! Ed’s fae! Ed’s fae!

ILCI

It can’t be...Oh no.

JACK

Morgan! Kavitha! Take those two! Ilci, Jose keep an eye on Ed, I’ve got to go back up Millie!

RAFAEL

[He sighs dramatically]

I thought I told you, Ms. Withers. You can’t hurt a fae that’s expecting you. What do you think two more humans will accomplish?

KAVITHA

[She swings her morning star hard enough to knock RAFAEL through the drywall.]

I’m not human, tinkerbell.

REVA

Selkies--!

MORGAN

[Using siren voice on REVA. Then a trident of his own.]

Only by marriage. Now stay still, won’t you?

RAFAEL

[Snarling, injured]

Siren.

ILCI

Jack, no, you don’t understand--

JACK

[She runs after MILLIE into the office. Sounds of MORGAN, KAVITHA, RAFAEL, and REVA fighting is muffled. MILLIE’s still a velociraptor and is growling like a dog that doesn’t wanna drop a bone.]

Yes, Millie! Hah! A bit stuck aren’t you, Alice?

ALICE

[Coughing on her own essence]

Ugh...

ILCI

[He follows JACK, and slams the unhinged door behind him then barricades it with a chair. He starts frantically rifling through Ed’s stuff.]

This is her office, isn’t it? There has to be something in here. Papers, old contracts...hah, Goetic summoning rituals. I knew it. But surely she has--

JACK

What are you doing in here?! Someone needs to be keeping tabs on Ed!

ILCI

“Ed”? You mean Edwith Knight? You call Edwith Fucking Knight “Ed?” And she hasn’t fed you your own intestines? Jose, do not start with me right now, I swear--

JACK

You know her?!

ILCI

Know her? Hah! I worked with her for centuries before her regrettable rise to knighthood. Although worked with implies a relationship where she didn’t regularly try to disembowel me--

JACK

Ilci! Focus! What are you saying?

ILCI

She’s not just fae! She’s--!

ALICE

[Creepy laughter interrupts them.]

Awww, you really didn’t know, did you? She’s our commanding officer.

JACK

Our--?

ILCI

She’s a Knight, Jack! An actual Autumn Court Knight! Infamously dangerous, impossible to predict, an absolute bastard about paperwork--

JACK

What does that mean for us?

ILCI

It means if we can’t find a way to escape right now--

ALICE

[More wet laughter]

She’s going to kill you and everyone you’ve ever loved.

ILCI

We’re rather outclassed here, and your ‘Ed’ is between us and the elevator. Just standing there--

[Jose wrestles for vocal control.]

JOSE

We don’t have time to freak out. We need to think. You have to catch fae by surprise to hurt them, right? So let’s fuckin’ improvise.

JACK

But if she’s that powerful--

ALICE

[Giggling]

You don’t get it do you? It’s not just ‘more powerful’ like a step up. It’s exponential! It’s an astronomical difference!

JACK

Shut up!

JOSE

Wait, Alice. Why are you separated from Rafael and Reva?

ALICE

Because you brought a shapeshifting demon dinosaur that won’t let me go--

JOSE

No, no, I mean… Aren’t they your bosses? Maybe that’s why you got taken down so fast--

ALICE

[Growling]

They aren’t my bosses! We’re equal! And--I wasn’t taken down! I could still fight! I’m just stuck. If this stupid thing would drop me--

[Crunching sounds from MILLIE and more dino growling. Alice makes a sick sound and coughs up more of her essence.]

JOSE

I dunno, you seem like the third wheel here. I was going to say we could make a deal with you, but that would be a waste. We’d be better off making a deal with Rafael or Reva.

ALICE

What? Those two have no ambition! No drive!

JACK

Oh, I dunno. I think she could take one of them. Probably not both, but…

ALICE

How dare you!

JOSE

Then here’s your deal: if we tell Millie to drop you, you get up and you go take down Rafael and Reva.

JACK

And you give us a weapon that could defeat Ed!

ALICE

What? Why would I ever--

JACK

Millie, honey, could you chew her up a little more?

[Growling sounds from MILLIE]

ALICE

Wait! No!

JACK

It won’t kill you, but I bet it hurts.

JOSE

How embarrassing. Taken down by a baby demon and a human. Didn’t even land a hit.

ALICE

Fine! You have a deal!

JACK

Good. Millie, you can drop her. Carefully. Then come get behind me.

MILLIE

[She spits out ALICE and sputters as she runs to get behind JACK]

Fae taste gross.

ALICE

I’ll show you.

[Straightening herself out, cracking the door handle and breaking the lock as she tears it open. The sounds of the fight come back full blast. KAVITHA and MORGAN sound pretty wounded, but still fighting. RAFAEL and REVA are at least a little breathless.]

Oh, Reva!~

REVA

What--? Ooph!

[There’s a wet crunching sound as ALICE uses some magic against REVA. REVA screams, and the fight falls silent.]

KAVITHA

What the fuck...?

ALICE

Oh...Oh, that...That felt nice.

RAFAEL

Alice! What have you done?

ALICE

I consumed her! Maybe if you keep asking such stupid questions you and I will have to work on a performance improvement plan.

RAFAEL

What are you talking about--?

ALICE

See, I’ve changed my mind. My vision for Milk and Honey Farm doesn’t include a partnership.

[Another surge of magic and RAFAEL screaming.]

I think it’ll be a solo venture.

MORGAN

Oh god...

KAVITHA

Heh. That works. Only two left, now.

EDWITH

[She makes a surprised sound.]

Do you really have such grand ambitions, Alice?

ALICE

[RAFAEL’s screams fade.]

Yes! Of course! I’m surprised you don’t. Or maybe...It wasn’t your choice to start out as lower management! Oh, that would explain so much. Then why not help yourself? It’s free essence for the taking. What a nice and easy way to make waves. I can’t wait to see the court’s faces when I show up after this! No longer “little Alice.” I bet you’d understand that feeling, Ser Knight.~

JACK

Oh my god. Oh my god--

ILCI

We need to leave. Now.

JACK

She just...she just absorbed them both--!

EDWITH

Well, she absorbed most of them. Some of Rafael is still on my couch. Alice, would you mind--?

ALICE

I would, actually. There are far, far better things I can be doing with my time, and all this new power. So either issue a proper order, or do clean up yourself. Ugh, Edwith how could you resist such wonderful temptation? Haven’t you ever taken essence for yourself? Outside of your own entrance into higher society, of course.

EDWITH

[She sighs.]

I simply don’t find it as tempting as you seem to, Alice.

JACK

I made her lie to me. She lied. She had to have been lying.

ILCI

I don’t think she was.

ALICE

[She laughs]

Oh, and Jack. The last part of our deal.

[Sound of JACK’s sabre being nudged on the floor. She kicks it to JACK]

Your sword!

JACK

You’ve got to be kidding me.

[She picks up the saber.]

ALICE

Oh, you should have your knight here tell you just how possible it is to take down fae with a sword. She knows plenty she isn’t telling you.

JACK

Yeah. I’ve gathered that.

ALICE

Now, I think I have some parties to get invited to. Names to learn so I can drop them. You know how it is, Edwith, I’m sure.

EDWITH

Ser Knight will still do fine, Alice. Vacate my apartment before you get any more essence-drenched footprints in my carpet.

ALICE

Ohh, there’s the famous Autumn Knight I heard so much about! What a commanding presence! If things keep going my way, maybe I’ll outrank you soon enough.

EDWITH

Less likely things have happened, but I am struggling to think of anyone less competent. You are dismissed.

ALICE

Yes, ser Knight.

[She fae-steps and is gone.]

MORGAN

...They’re gone.

KAVITHA

She’s the only one left.

JACK

Just Ed.

MILLIE

We won!

[Laughing and jumping.]

EDWITH

[She sighs, and moves to the kitchen. Rummaging around and making herself a drink.]

ILCI

No, no stop celebrating. We need to run--

JACK

There’s six of us, and one of her! We can do this!

EDWITH

Be careful what assumptions you make, Jack.

JACK

Fuck you, Ed. I cared about you. I protected you! I--

EDWITH

You have had no impact on my safety, contrary to your belief.

[She picks up her drink, downs it, then sets her drink down.]

But you have proven to be an annoyance worth addressing.

MILLIE

My teachers say it’s not nice to call someone annoying. You’re also not supposed to bite them. It’s not nice.

EDWITH

[Her heels click as she walks back toward the gang, then manifests her sword.]

Your teachers are right! It isn’t very nice. So what does that make me, Miss Millicent?

MILLIE

You... aren’t very nice.

EDWITH

That’s correct.

[She unsheathes her sword.]

KAVITHA

Hey, doc. Ilci. Could you heal me up?

ILCI

Leave it to me.

[He rushes over and starts healing her.]

We need to be careful, she can alter her sword. It’s a nasty trick she used to--

EDWITH

Ilci Scarlassara. Why is it that I’m not surprised to see it’s you that’s been making Mr. Perez so annoyingly durable? You simply cannot help yourself, always meddling.

ILCI

And you’re still the same petty pedant I remember oh-so-fondly, though, I can’t help but notice you’ve taken to your new role so naturally. Tell me conformist, do they actually let you play with all the other Fae yet, or are you still waiting in the wings?

[There’s the sound of a vase being thrown at him.]

Missed me too, I see.

EDWITH

I wait for no one, least of all an unmissed, unwanted demon. You’ve always been a pain.

[Sword scraping on the floor]

Perhaps I should return the favour? Maybe I will finally be able to take care of that pesky anchor for you.

ILCI

No!

JACK

You’ll have to go through me!

EDWITH

Hah. See what you’ve caused with your meddling, Ilci? You must be so proud. Maybe I ought to warn you not to waste yourself over healing the ravelry. A professional courtesy, I suppose, for all the many supposed kindnesses you bestowed upon me.

JACK

We’ve got you surrounded, Ed.

Please. Don’t make me fight you.

EDWITH

Make you...? Oh, no you misunderstand. You must think you still have some sort of bargaining power, no?

JACK

What, you want to make a deal?

EDWITH

[She laughs]

Sure. What would you propose?

JACK

You let us go, free us of the contracts, and help Ilci heal everyone. And I’ll be nice enough to not stab you. Much.

EDWITH

Generous. Mm. I have a counter-proposal. If you agree to a duel, I’ll let your little friends live for now. I’ll even waive Jose’s ill advised deal with Alice as a gesture of good faith. She told me all about it, you know. He didn’t take long to break.

JACK

Neither will you. Is that it?

EDWITH

Of course not. What fun would that be? A duel with no stakes?

[She laughs]

Besides, that’s not what you really want, is it? No, you want your and Jose’s freedom. Then if you win our duel, it’s yours. What do you say? Your heart’s desire, one victory away.

JACK

Nothing’s free. So what do you want, Ed?

EDWITH

You will enact no more violence towards me, nor any other Fidus Achates employee, Jack. This is boring. It is messy. And it is ultimately fruitless. I do not want to deal with it--nor the endless paperwork that comes with outbursts like these--again.

JACK

Yeah, don’t worry. This’ll be the last time you’re at the end of a sword.

EDWITH

No more violence, and... you stay out of my way while I take care of whatever is causing your death sentence. Simple enough.

JACK

What, nothing else to pile on there? Perfect obedience? A new car?

EDWITH

Nothing else. I don’t see a need for anything like that. Your cooperation doesn’t require the binding of an oath. Just...proper motivation. Management.

KAVITHA

Fuck that. We can take her.

MORGAN

The good doctor almost has me good as new, Kav. You ready?

JACK

No. No more deals. No more compromise.

EDWITH

[She sighs]

I should have expected that you wouldn’t be cooperative. Very well.

[She fae-steps over to KAVITHA]

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a selkie. It is good to see one of your kind, even under such uncomfortable circumstances.

KAVITHA

[She tries to hit EDWITH but EDWITH catches the blow easily.]

What--?

EDWITH

I do hope you don’t take this personally.

[She lops KAVITHA’s head off. Screams from JACK, MILLIE, ILCI]

MORGAN

No!

[Drops to the floor, trident clattering with him.]

Kav? Kavitha? No, no this... This can’t be, you can’t be-- No, no, we were meant to be... My love, my love, no. Don’t leave me.

EDWITH

That rug costs well over five hundred grand, you know. It’s a one of a kind. I was rather fond of it, and you didn’t even have the decency to not bleed on it.

MORGAN

Don’t leave me, Kav. Please.

EDWITH

I suppose you can’t help ‘losing your head.’

JACK

[Gagging, horrified. MILLIE is sobbing and wailing.]

Oh my god. Oh my god.

MORGAN

[He picks up his trident, stands up, screams and attacks EDWITH.]

You! You took her from me! You stole her! You monster!

[Trident hits. EDWITH makes a pained sound]

EDWITH

Oh, that does have some sting. Hm. Irritating. Unnecessary.

What do you think? Are you more amenable to a deal now, Jack?

JACK

You--You killed her--Her head--!

EDWITH

Still a no? Hm.

MORGAN

You will die here.

[Trident impact. EDWITH makes a pained sound.]

By your own blade.

[Trident impact. EDWITH makes a pained sound.]

Raise it up--

EDWITH

[She drives her sword through MORGAN. He chokes up, drowning in his own blood. The siren song stops. EDWITH makes a thoughtful noise.]

Go on. Rest that meddlesome voice, siren. Follow your love.

[She twists the sword. MORGAN makes a pained sound. Gasping. She does it again, then rips the sword free. One last cry of pain.]

Ugh. This is the exact mess I was hoping to avoid.

[She flicks some of the viscera free of her sword.]

Just a few distractions left. Stop your wailing, Miss Millicent.

ILCI

No! I won’t let you hurt her!

EDWITH

Ah, good. I was rather hoping you would be first.

MILLIE

No!

ILCI

I suppose it’s been a long time coming. Come then, test your mettle. Of course I expect we shall honour the old rules. Only one leaves the arena alive. And this time it won’t be you.

JACK

Wait! Wait, don’t! I’ll make the deal! I’ll duel you!

ILCI

Jack, silence you--

JACK

Take Millie and get out of here! Get as far away as possible.

JOSE

No!

JACK

It’s my choice.

Besides... It’s this or ten days, right? Hah. I...I might as well. I want to. Please. Please run.

MILLIE

Wait, lady, don’t--!

ILCI

Come along, child.

We’ll be back for you, Jack. Just... stay alive?

[He scoops up MILLIE, and runs for the elevator. The hiccupping sobs of MILLIE’s crying slowly fade as the elevator descends. JACK and EDWITH are silent.]

EDWITH

You finally have me alone. All to yourself. Is this how you imagined it?

JACK

[Saber being swished.]

I am going to kill you.

EDWITH

[She laughs.]

Shouldn’t that be a tougher decision to make? En garde, Jack.

JACK

[They start dueling, and it sounds like JACK’s keeping up well.]

You thought I would just what, back down? You could kill my friends, threaten them, and I’d just roll over?

EDWITH

Roll over? No. Speak? Yes. Maybe even fetch. Or shake.

JACK

Go to hell!

EDWITH

Language! But don’t be so hard on yourself. Your footwork could use practice, but your form isn’t terrible. You have a decent sense of the rhythm of a fight, at least. Even if you’ve never really been in one. Ah, no, don’t give me that look. A fencing tournament is not a real fight, Jack. Have you ever drawn blood before? Killed before?

JACK

Do you even bleed? Or do you just sort of leak, that gross goo?

EDWITH

That depends if essence counts. Not ‘goo.’ Oh, but look...

[There’s a low hum in the air.]

You have drawn blood, haven’t you? You didn’t mean to, but you did. Oh, Jack. Your father was so upset with you for cutting that other girl. But not as upset as you were. Does it still bother you? Do you think of her?

JACK

What? How are you--? Get out of my head!

EDWITH

We all have our skills. It seems you believed fencing to be yours. I’ll admit you’re not bad, but I hoped for more of a challenge. More followthrough. You strike like you’re waiting for a buzzer. And there was so much you had left to learn. You never did listen to your coach about where you rested your weight, did you?

And now look how easy it is to knock you off balance.

JACK

[JACK comes crashing down, horrified gasp.]

EDWITH

Here, I’ll help you up. That hardly counted as a real duel.

JACK

[She scrambles to her feet.]

Don’t touch me!

EDWITH

Oh, but didn’t you want me to? It was so very recent that you could think of little else.

JACK

Stop it! Stop that!

EDWITH

[Laughs]

Always so loud! I can hear you even above a crowd, you know. It’s like you can’t do anything but scream every little thing that comes to mind.

There! There it is! Even now, you cannot stop yourself, can you? You still want to know what my hands feel like. Whether I would be warm or cold. Would you care to find out?

JACK

Get out! Get out of my head!

EDWITH

Try to focus. How many kinds of duels are there, Jack?

JACK

[Stammering, keeping up with the rapid blows and parries.]

What, foil, epee, sabre?

EDWITH

In fencing, yes. What else?

JACK

...What do you mean?

EDWITH

Like a duel of pistols at dawn. I always thought the notion to be rather romantic. Seeing your opponent bathed in light before you take away their own.

JACK

Oh. Oh fuck--

EDWITH

But then there’s the purpose of a fight. The winning conditions! There are duels for honour, for glory, for property, for justice, to first blood, to surrender, to the death, and...

JACK

Until mercy.

EDWITH

Yes! My favourite. Nothing so permanent as death, but with stakes enough to matter. Don’t you agree? Good. Then there’s no need to baby you so much.

JACK

What--?

EDWITH

Let’s see how you fare against a hook sword.

[Magic sounds as the sword changes shape. The types of clangs are different and the fencing sabre is no match.]

Guard up, Jack.

JACK

I--I can’t--! You’re cheating!

EDWITH

I am most certainly not. Tell me you didn’t really think there would be such strict rules in a real fight? Mercy only comes to those who’ve earned it. Or did you think your swords were reserved for padded rooms and quiet applause?

JACK

Stop--!

EDWITH

Do you surrender?

JACK

Fuck you!

EDWITH

Watch your language.

[She lands the hook in JACK’s shoulder. JACK screams in pain. Drops her saber.]

I do hope you’re ambidextrous. I suppose I ought to have aimed for your other shoulder, but I’ve never been known for sportsmanship.

JACK

I’m not going to stop until you kill me.

EDWITH

No.

[Rips the sword free and snarls. Kicks the saber over to JACK.]

Pick up your sabre.

JACK

[She does]

En garde.

EDWITH

Ah, you were right about proving it more than once, mm?

[Magic sounds as the sword changes shape.]

Have you ever countered an opponent with a machete? Unconventional, I know, but I have a point to make regarding your fragility.

[Pushes JACK back again.]

Oh, come on. At least make it a challenge for me. I’ll even tuck my dominant hand behind my back. Is that any better?

I must say, I’d hoped this would last longer. Don’t you know how to please a lady? It would’ve been more poignant. Do you understand yet how easy it would be to kill you? How quickly you would be gone?

Just one well placed strike--

[She lands a blow on JACK’s leg, knocking her down. The blade pulls free roughly. JACK cries out again. Drops her saber.]

And see? Even a blade made for hacking through plants is plenty sufficient to see you dead. But I am not your enemy, Jack. I do not wish to see you dead.

JACK

[Croaking. Struggling to stand up and pick up her saber.]

Could’ve fooled me.

EDWITH

Uh-uh-uh. You chose all this violence. Not me.

[JACK groans in agony.]

Stand up. Pick up your sabre. Indulge me at least once more.

JACK

Ed... I can’t... Please stop...

EDWITH

Do you surrender?

JACK

[She’s breathing heavy. She grits her teeth and groans through the pain of standing up and picking up her sword again.]

No.

EDWITH

[She laughs. Her sword changes shape again.]

JACK

Why won’t you just end this?

EDWITH

Because I don’t want to. Not yet. Weren’t we meant to enjoy this together?

[She takes over the fight easily, beating JACK back and letting her get up painfully over and over.]

I learned something from all this too, you know. I was going to let you die, once. Before you proved yourself to be quite the asset. I’m not terribly keen on giving that up any time soon, so these ten days of yours will be taken care of.

JACK

Why?

EDWITH

I don’t appreciate death stealing what is mine.

JACK

[She takes another blow and cries out. This time it doesn’t seem like she’s getting up.]

Please, Ed.

EDWITH

Do you have any idea what you’re begging for? Say it, Jack. ...Hah, no.

Outloud.

JACK

No. No, I won’t--

EDWITH

Aww, you’re still so brave, aren’t you? I’m not sure if it’s admirable or... well. Here, I can offer some encouragement--

JACK

No, no please.

[sobs]

Mercy!

EDWITH

[She approaches, sword still drawn. JACK isn’t getting up.]

Liar.

This is for the best, I think. You just need a reminder of what to avoid. Or why you ought to avoid it for your sake, if not mine. Come here.

[She helps JACK up. JACK leaning on her heavily.]

Steady, Jack. There, now. Lean on me. I will teach you.

I am still your friend.

JACK

Ed...?

[EDWITH runs her through cleanly. JACK’s barely able to make a sound. EDWITH pulls the blade free quickly. There’s sounds of blood spattering all over the floor. JACK trying to breathe through it. Making quiet pained noises.]

EDWITH

Shh, shh. Let yourself fall...there we go. You were very brave, but you still lost. Don’t look so frightened, Jack. It’s over now. You have my mercy.

[Elevator door dings and opens, ILCI runs out.]

ILCI

Step away from her!

EDWITH

[She snorts]

Take her. Heal her. Go on. I won’t stop you.

ILCI

Stay awake, Jack, stay awake--

[He carries JACK into the elevator. EDWITH’s voice getting muffled as they get further away.]

EDWITH

I’ll see you all bright and early in the morning. Rest well. As well as you can.

ILCI

[ILCI and JOSE get JACK in the elevator]

Jack, stay awake. Stay with us. I don’t have much energy left, we have to keep pressure on the wound. Jack, can you hear me?

JACK

Is Millie...?

ILCI

She’s safe. I’m safe, and Jose’s safe, thanks to you. You just have to be strong for a little longer. Keep talking to me, alright? Keep talking.

JACK

[She coughs blood, but it turns into a hoarse giggle.]

...Did you know the moon landing...

[The Keystone is drenched in blood and starts fizzling out. Sound warps, and there are malfunction warning beeps.]

ILCI

...What?

JACK

[Cracked laughter that’s more or less just choking]

Eight weasels in a spacesuit.

ILCI

Jack? Oh no. She’s--... Oh, no. Oh no no no. Jack! Jack, wake up! Oh no.

Oh please no--

[The keystone finally starts skipping, and falls to an error tone.]

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About the Podcast

Jack of All Trades
A Faustian Nonsense Original
A queer occult horror comedy, JACK OF ALL TRADES follows Jack in her new job as a woefully unqualified repairperson. She soon discovers that her resume embellishments are the least of her worries: the flickering lights and strange sounds in the walls all seem to be caused by hauntings!

Luckily she has help from Jose, an experienced technician, whose specialties come with some worrisome side effects. Now she hopes to pick up the skills to survive and stay employed, before her boss (and latest crush) finds out she lied on her resume. Or worse, decides she's crazy.

JACK OF ALL TRADES is a Faustian Nonsense original. Check out our website at faustiannonsense.com or become a Patreon subscriber at patreon.com/faustiannonsense .

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