06: As Foreseen on TV

Episode 6: As Foreseen on TV

INTRO

JACK

Hi! I’m Jack. Listen closely, it’s all real and very, very important.

JOSE

You still think this is some grand adventure, don’t you?

JACK

It’s my story. Our story.

Thanks for listening to...Jack of All Trades.

JOSE

Is that seriously what we’re calling it--?

[Cut to intro music.]

SCENE ONE

[Keystone starts up. Sound of door opening and footsteps as JACK and JOSE enter.]

JACK

This apartment is incredible!

JOSE

You can ask for their interior decorator after we finish the job.

JACK

[Sounds of footsteps as she checks out the space.]

I might have to! It’s got a minimalist vibe but it still feels comfy and lived in, y’know? And look at how happy the Applegates are in these pictures, they’re such a great couple!

JOSE

Forget the goddamn couple. Try to focus on the TV.

JACK

Right. Fix the TV. I can do that.

JOSE

Their complaint said that it always goes to some late night commercial for psychics or something. Might as well try it out.

[Sound of TV turning on. Psychic commercial TV jingle.]

BERNADETTE

Hello! I am the Amazing Bernadette Vaillancourt--

JACK

Is it like that on every channel?

[Sound of JOSE changing channels. The Psychic commercial TV jingle plays again and again.]

JOSE

Looks like you’ve got some work to do. Get to it “Senior Repairs Respondent.” I bet there’s something wrong with the couch, I’d better check.

[JOSE flops on the couch and sighs.]

Yeah, it’s definitely dangerous. You better stay over there for your own safety.

JACK

Jose! Who needs to focus now?

BERNADETTE

Hello! I am the Amazing Bernadette Vaillancourt and I am here to help.

JOSE

You’d think this lady would try to be a little more original. Crystal ball, drapey clothes, big jewellery. It’s so played out.

BERNADETTE

The world is so confusing and senseless. Trust me to guide you in these troubled times.

JACK

I’d be frustrated if this was the only show on my TV too. All her props look kinda cheap.

BERNADETTE

[She breaks out of her mystical voice and speaks to them directly]

You two are so much ruder than the Applegates. This commercial cost me a lot of money.

JACK

What?

BERNADETTE

I’m so sick of know-it-alls trying to tell me how to do my job. Do either of you know what it’s like to look into the future and pluck out just the right bit of information?

JACK

Jose, the TV is talking to us right?

JOSE

Ghost in the Samsung.

[Pauses for a laugh, doesn’t receive one.]

BERNADETTE

I’ve been waiting for someone who can actually help me move on. Who are you? What group are you with?

JACK

I’m Jack and this is Jose. We’re proud employees of Fidus Achates!

BERNADETTE

Oh.

JACK

...What?

BERNADETTE

Everything is fine. I just wasn’t expecting a visit from Fidus Achates. I’m impressed.

JACK

What do you mean?

BERNADETTE

Regardless, this should be simple enough. I died in the middle of a tarot reading, which is about as obvious as you can get as far as unfinished business goes. I just need to finish a reading and I’ll be able to leave.

JOSE

Let’s get this over with.

BERNADETTE

I’ll do a spread detailing a situation in your life using the Major Arcana. Let me shuffle the deck and… Now. You. Just point to three cards on the screen.

JACK

This is kind of exciting. I’ve never had my fortune told before. Okay. One, two, three.

BERNADETTE

[Pause. Then she makes a thinking sound.]

As far as fortunes go, this one is very straightforward.

JACK

Is that a good thing?

BERNADETTE

Your first card is your current opportunity and you drew The Fool. You’re at the very beginning of your journey and you need to take a leap of faith. Follow your intuition and have an adventure.

JACK

Ooh! Don’t really like being called a fool, but I like adventure!

BERNADETTE

Your second card concerns your future obstacle. With your card, The Magician, you’ll use your willpower to create a solution. Have faith in yourself.

JOSE

Right. All you need to do is just psych yourself up and everything solves itself.

BERNADETTE

And your last card is the outcome. Your third card is Death.

JACK

What?! Aw, shit!

BERNADETTE

Calm yourself. The Death card is all about change--a great transition awaits you. Nothing will ever be the same but you’ll experience deep growth in these profound experiences.

JACK

That’s… well. It’s not super comforting or anything, but it’s better than me just dying.

BERNADETTE

I hope that helped. You certainly helped me.

JOSE

Time for you to go?

BERNADETTE

Yes. Thank you both.

JACK

Enjoy the other side!

[Sound of the TV changing to static. JOSE turns it off.]

She was really nice. I wish we had more easy ones like that.

JOSE

Don’t get too used to it. C’mon, drive me home. We can stop and get food on the way. Your treat.

JACK

Um. I actually haven’t gotten paid yet? So it’d be great if we could go Dutch.

JOSE

Keep dreaming, Jocelyn.

[Sounds of footsteps and the door closes. KEYSTONE deactivates.]

SCENE TWO

[Keystone starts up.]

JACK

Wasn’t that great? We solved a ghost problem and you didn’t even need to get possessed! No headaches for you tonight.

JOSE

Yeah.

JACK

I’ve never had my fortune told. Have you? Did that sound like a good one?

JOSE

Nope.

JACK

“Nope” you’ve never had one or “nope” it didn’t sound like a good one?

JOSE

Either? Both?

JACK

I think there might’ve been some good insight there. Maybe the fortune’s about you and me, Jose. We’re just starting off our friendship together, but when something bad happens, I’ll use my charisma and win you over. And then we’ll transform into best friends.

JOSE

Pfft.

JACK

Not a fan of that one. I guess that means we’re already best friends! Good point, Jose. Wow, two best friends in two days, I’m on a roll! Wait, when did we become best friends? Because--

JOSE

Wait, two best friends? What, did you find a ghost in that new place of yours and decide to keep ‘em?

JACK

No! I meant Ed. She stopped by my place yesterday.

JOSE

You told Elliot where you live? Who hangs out with their boss outside of work? Is there a tarot card for being stupid?

JACK

WAIT!

[She slams on the brakes. Jose yelps.]

You think it’s about me and Ed? Our beginning is great so far, but maybe she finds out how much I fluffed my resume.

JOSE

Dumbass.

JACK

It’s fine. I’ll use my irresistible charm and we’ll… Well. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it is dumb, I don’t know.

JOSE

I might not have given you any money for that McDonald’s but I’m sure as shit paying for it right now.

JACK

What’s wrong with you?

I mean. I had a good time doing that job with you, Jose. I think we make a great team.

JOSE

[Sound of car rolling to a stop.]

Thank fuck, we’re here.

[He gets out of the car and closes the door.]

JACK

Okay. Good night, Jose.

[Imitates Jose’s voice.]

Good night, Jack! You’re so cool and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.

[Her own voice.]

Thanks, buddy. I needed that.

[Keystone turns off.]

SCENE THREE

[Keystone turns on. Sound of a Jack’s ringtone. Jack groans and answers it.]

JACK

Hello?

JOSE

Buckle up, buttercup. We’re fucked.

JACK

Jose? It’s--it’s 3AM, what are you talking about?

JOSE

Psychic woman showed up on another person’s TV. We didn’t do it right the first time.

JACK

Okay, okay. Give me a few minutes and I can come by and pick you up and we can head there together.

JOSE

Roger that, Julius.

[He hangs up.]

JACK

Well. Here we go again.

[Sounds of JACK getting ready to leave. Keystone turns off.]

[Keystone turns on. JACK and JOSE open a door into another apartment. JOSE immediately turns on TV. Static, then the sounds of BERNADETTE’S commercial come up.]

BERNADETTE

Hello! I am the Amazing Bernadette Vaillancourt--

JOSE

Cut the crap, we know it’s you.

JACK

Hey, Bernie!

BERNADETTE

Ah, good. It’s you two. I don’t know what happened but I couldn’t move on. I must have done the reading wrong.

JACK

It’s okay, we’ll figure this out together. Do you want to try again?

BERNADETTE

Yes.

JOSE

What makes you think it’s going to work this time?

BERNADETTE

Perhaps it was the wrong kind of reading. What if I try something else? Jack, what is your sun sign?

JACK

My what?

BERNADETTE

Your star sign. Your Western Zodiac--it’s your horoscope. What’s your horoscope?

JACK

Oh! I’m a Leo!

BERNADETTE

That makes sense. You radiate the warm energy of a fire sign.

JACK

Why thank you!

BERNADETTE

You’re very welcome.

JOSE

Yes, yes. I’m so glad we know all the pseudoscience buzzword bullshit. Can you cough up a reading already?

BERNADETTE

Is he usually like this?

JACK

A little bit? But it’s been especially bad lately.

BERNADETTE

I’ll hurry it along, then.

[She hums as she gathers her psychic energy. She stops after a few seconds.]

“You are on the path to self actualization, but you need discipline and insight in order to carry it through to the end. Look for truth within and trust your instincts. Beware of heart trouble and guard your belly because both spots may give you issues on your journey.”

JOSE

So simple. So unique to you. You’ve got a roadmap to the rest of your life, Jack.

JACK

I had my physical already and that went fine, but I’ll be sure to be on the lookout!

BERNADETTE

Oohh, I feel something. It is time.

JOSE

Psychic lady, please don’t go! I need your guidance too. I’m an Aries on Wednesdays and a Taurus on Fridays. AND! I need to know which one of my past lives gave me enough karma to look so goddamn cute!

JACK

Thanks for the fortune Bernie!

BERNADETTE

Thank you for your patience, Jack. Have a good life, Jose.

[BERNADETTE’S commercial turns to static. JOSE turns off the TV.]

JOSE

If we go straight back, I can get a couple hours of sleep before tomorrow.

JACK

Okay. Let’s get going, then. Are you sure you’re alright? Maybe a hot chocolate with extra sprinkles tomorrow will cheer you up?

JOSE

I’m just tired. You know you don’t have to talk my ear off every time I’m in your car. It’d be nice to have some peace and quiet once in a while.

[JACK and JOSE walk out of the apartment. Door closes. Keystone turns off.]

[Keystone turns on. Car radio turns on and BERNADETTE is talking through it.]

BERNADETTE

Please don’t be angry--

JACK

WHOA!

[Sound of JACK’S car swerving on the road.]

JOSE

What the fuck? You were supposed to move on ten minutes ago!

JACK

BERNIE, you scared me!

BERNADETTE

I didn’t mean to frighten you, but I’m still stuck on the mortal plane. There must be something else keeping me here.

JOSE

So all that mumbo jumbo was for nothing.

JACK

Okay. We can figure this out. Do you have any idea what it can be?

BERNADETTE

It must be something I’ve left unsaid. Or something I want to be said to me, but I haven’t heard yet. Or some emotional turmoil I haven’t solved.

JOSE

Great, so what do we do? Just talk at you for however long it takes for something to click? Get real. Let’s just find her anchor and burn it.

JACK

No, Jose. What is wrong with you? You can be cranky sometimes and that’s a little endearing but you are just mean right now.

BERNADETTE

[She hums for a second.]

I’m sensing a great turmoil beneath your surface, Jose. I have been giving Jack fortunes all night but perhaps it is you that needs the attention.

JOSE

What, I’m just supposed to spill my guts now because a ghost asked me to?

JACK

[Sound of car pulling over. JACK turns off the engine.]

I’m asking you, Jose. Talk to me.

JOSE

What are you doing?

JACK

The car’s not moving until we sort this out.

BERNADETTE

We’re here to help.

JOSE

You think you can outlast me?

[He reclines his chair.]

I’ll just sleep here.

JACK

Not if I sing Smooth Criminal until you talk to me.

[Pause. Then she begins singing the chorus to Smooth Criminal. Badly.]

“Jose, are you okay?

So, Jose are you okay?

Are you okay, Jose?”

JOSE

Are you kidding me?

JACK

“Jose, are you okay?

So, Jose are you okay?

Are you okay, Jose?”

JOSE

UGH.

JACK

“Jose are you okay?

Will you tell us that you’re okay?

There’s a sign at the window--”

JOSE

What does it fucking matter? I’m not going to remember any of this anyway!

JACK

[Pause.]

Are you scared of forgetting after you get possessed again?

JOSE

It’s going to happen whether or not I feel scared about it.

BERNADETTE

That must be very difficult for you.

Tell her more, she doesn’t know what it’s like.

JOSE

That’s right, you don’t know. You forget in little pieces at first but sooner or later they all pile up. Do you know why I have vacation next Friday?

JACK

Why?

JOSE

Because if I don’t see her once a month, I forget my own mother’s face. How am I supposed to get deep with someone when every time I talk to them, everything is completely new for me? Have I told my mom that I get possessed for a living? I have no fucking clue because I get possessed for a goddamn living!

JACK

I had no idea. I’m so sorry.

JOSE

How am I supposed to date someone when I can’t remember my own birthday? What about theirs? Or our anniversary or our first date? Who wants to be around someone like that?

JACK

Your memories are hazy, but you always have gut feelings about people. Those matter!

JOSE

And?

JACK

Maybe you can trust the other person to help you with the past while you focus on staying in the present. We haven’t known each other too long but I’ve seen you when you hit your groove. You’re engaging and funny and magnetic. I love being around you even though you get my name wrong constantly. I’m sure your mom and other people like having you here and you’ll definitely find a guy who feels the same way.

JOSE

Yeah. Maybe.

BERNADETTE

Love in its many forms will find a way. You are not broken.

JACK

This is something you’re living with, but it doesn’t have to rule your whole life.

JOSE

… Are we gonna kiss and make up now?

JACK

Hey!

JOSE

I think I have some mints in my pocket. If you give me a minute I can get ready for some grade A tongue stuff--

JACK

[Laughs.]

What will your boyfriend think if you made out with a coworker?

JOSE

I don’t know, I’d have to ask him after you suck face with our boss.

JACK

Jose!

JOSE

[Pause.]

Hey, Julia.

JACK

Yeah?

JOSE

Thanks.

JACK

Anytime, buddy. It’s what best friends do.

BERNADETTE

This is it. I can feel myself moving on.

JOSE

Fi-na-lly.

JACK

Thank you, Bernie. Jose and I were struggling but you nudged us along and I guess that’s exactly what you needed, too.

BERNADETTE

Farewell, Jack and Jose. I wish you and Fidus Achates the best of luck.

[Radio dissolves into static. JACK turns it off.]

JACK

Well, hopefully that’s all.

JOSE

Was it just me or did it feel weird having her around while we were talking?

JACK

She was helping!

JOSE

Whatever. Next time you wanna get personal, let’s leave the ghosts out of it.

JACK

Deal.

[Keystone turns off.]

SCENE FOUR

[Keystone starts up as the line rings from JACK calling JOSE. DEAREST DUKE is playing in the background.]

JOSE

Hey Jeffrey.

JACK

Hey! Calling to check in. How are you?

JOSE

Yup. I’m still in one piece. You dropped me off like half an hour ago.

JACK

Just wanna make sure everything is okay! In case Bernadette is haunting your toaster and giving you lotto numbers or something.

JOSE

[Chuckles, and then pauses. He listens to TV playing in JACK’S background.]

Is that... Dearest Duke?

JACK

Yeah! I’m doing a rewatch.

JOSE

God. Fucking awful. That show is hot garbage in a petticoat. Like a reality show if everybody talked like their mouth as full of marbles.

JACK

It’s actually a really intricate show. I’m picking up on stuff I didn’t catch the first time I saw season one!

JOSE

[Putting on a funny voice.]

Oh, so the creepy Lord is still pining after Lady Evangeline Hampton-Danvers and stealing her gloves so he can sniff them dramatically when he’s alone?

JACK

Okay, so Lord Heathcliff Embellingston is flawed and his flaws are that he’s gross and creepy and unlikable, but that’s a super short arc! He has that faux pas at the croquet game and they pretty much get rid of him immediately!

JOSE

How can an aspiring romance writer stomach that stuff?

JACK

They’re interesting character studies!

JOSE

You know this isn’t doing your book any favors, right?

JACK

Well, I for one am just happy that you remembered that I’m writing a book in the first place, so that’s a point for me.

JOSE

[Pause. JOSE clears his throat.]

Hey. Maybe next time we hang out, you can tell me about your book? I can help you separate the Dearest Duke bullshit from the ideas that you don’t want to set on fire.

JACK

Really? That would… That would be really cool. I’d love to talk about it with you. I’ve been working on this twist that happens in Act Two when the protagonist--

JOSE

Whoa there. I said “next time we hang out,” not now. I’ve still gotta get my beauty sleep. I can’t show up one day and magically be a more handsome dude like that time they replaced the actor playing Lord Quentin Lindley-Findlay.

JACK

The change is so obvious, the second actor is like fifteen years younger, I can’t believe they thought nobody would notice--

JOSE

And speaking of thinking no one would notice, who have you been texting on the sly?

JACK

What? No one. Who’s texting? I don’t have a phone.

JOSE

Wow. And here I was going to ask who managed to steal your eye away from boss-lady.

JACK

No! We aren’t-- It’s not-- Look, you said you don’t have a boyfriend, and you clearly had His & His mugs. So... I’m also definitely not dating. Got it?

JOSE

...Hm. Fair enough. ...How long have you...?

JACK

Since... Since a week ago, hah. Just before she left for her conference.

JOSE

You sound so happy. It’s gross. I don’t know how you stomach someone so uptight, and in management no less. Where’s your working class spirit? Who else is going to fight the power? Rebel against the man? Underdogs have to stick together.

JACK

Hah. I think she’ll be in a much better position to rebel from underneath if you know what I mean--

JOSE

Nope, no, I don’t need to hear it. That’s your business. Glad you’re happy about it, blah blah whatever. No details needed. Good night, Jesse.

JACK

Good night, Jose. See you tomorrow.

[Phone hangs up. Keystone turns off.]